Halloweiners

Yeah yeah yeah so it's Halloween this weekend and you're probably really excited to express your annual love for all things 'satanic', horrible and costume related. Well good on you, nothing better than taking up any excuse for a party and letting your hair down, even though the cynical Brit in you might be seething at the American-ness of it (no offence Yank-pals, we just don't really get it). But the one thing I hate about Halloween (aside from horrible little scally children harassing you for sugar) is the unoriginality in the costumes that get spewed up, and I hate it to say it, but I'm primarily looking at the females in the audience.

Now from my experience this is how it goes with regards to 'fancy dress';

Girls: Lets have a fancy dress party! It'll be AMAZING.

Guys: Urgh, why? Too much effort.

Girls: Shut up, it'll be well good and it'll be fun!

Guys: Oh alright then, I suppose it'll be alright.

Girls - All dressed as cats and 'slutty' variations of everyday things. However there is usually one token amazing suit (Street Fighter's Chun-Li for example, or an everyday household lamp).

Guys - A plethora of home-made homages to pop-culture and Horror culture, even though the males weren't thrilled about dressing up in the first place. Plus the obligatory bell-end wearing a cheap mask and his everyday clothes.

You can argue all you want, but you know it to be true. This happens every sodding year! Lets fight back and re-take Halloween, WHO'S WITH ME?

5 Punchable Halloween Costume Ideas:

The Fallen fucking Angel

We get it, you want to be sexy yet evil, but you just look like a drag queen with no imagination. All the girls at the party think you look cheap, all the guys think you look easy, and you'll get hyperthermia before midnight. It doesn't matter how 'good' you look, take the piss out of yourself a little and you'll be a surefire hit!

The 'Pop-Culture Icon of the Moment' Costume

I'm looking at you brethren now you un-original bastards. Every year you can just tell which costume will be the 'hit of the year' and sure enough come Halloween there are a thousand fuckers dressed as it. Jack Sparrow, the Joker, the Crow, you know the offenders. Apparently this year's hit is set to be Lady Gaga's meat dress. Super fucking duper. Look back at the photos in 10 years time and laugh at how obscure your costume has became.

Ghostface Killah

A previous entrant into the 'pop-culture icon of the year' category, Ghostface has became an entity of its own, offering an easy costume idea to the laziest fuckers imaginable. Perhaps they're all being ironic and post-modern, echoing Wes Craven's point that slasher icons are more remembered than their films and that the genre has become hokey and stale. Either that or they're just a gimp. Tough choice.

Cat Stevens

Read my comments for the 'fallen angel' costume, but add this; WHAT THE FUCK IS SCARY ABOUT A CAT? For fuck's sake...

The obligatory 'tracksuit + cheap halloween mask' combo

Mainly sported by scary pre-pubescent little shits who are prowling the streets looking for blood, the addition of a cheap Poundland plastic mask to a tracksuit just isn't in the spirit of things, even though in the right circumstances (ie; getting chased through a forest, getting accosted in an alleyway) it can be pant shittingly terrifying.

5 Genius Halloween Costume Ideas:

The 'Pop Culture Group' Entry

Why stay current and predictable? Go back into the annuls of you childhood and whip out a blast from the past that'll make everyone go "Oh yeah! I loved that as a kid!" Think of the A-Team, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Power Rangers and you're in the right area.

The 'Pure-Effort Homemade' Entry

It's only once a year, why not go all-out? You could either spend hundreds on an officially licensed costume, or make it yourself Neil Buchanan style and be the toast of the party and the subject of conversations for years to come.

An Inanimate Object

For some reason there is something hysterical about someone dressed as an inanimate object. Mainly its trying to decipher the thought process that lead to the costume's inception, but partially its the fact that although the wearer looks like an idiot, they're having the time of their lives.

Something Legitimately Terrifying

There's nothing wrong with dressing as something non-horror related as long as it's cool, but after all it is Halloween might as well try and scare the absolute shite out of everything possible. See above, my boy Josh dressed as Ronald McDonald at a business meeting. He spent the entire evening staring people out and hiding in dark corners waiting to give someone a cardiac. Freaky.

The 'Obscure WTF Were You Thinking?' Entry

Imagine the scene; you've just arrived at a Halloween house party and are wading through the throngs of vampires, cats and Freddy Krugers when across the kitchen you see Pat Sharpe. It's glorious isn't it? As with the inanimate object idea, the fun comes in both the stupidity and inspired genius involved. Bravo to you.

So there you are, stick to these rules and you'll be the talk of the party and treated like the hero that you are. Oh and stay in character, it'll add to your costume dramatically. As for me? Well I'm not too fond of Halloween as it is, but I've got the be up early the day after so chances are an evening watching 'Evil Dead' is on the cards. Groovy.