5 Fashion statements that make you a Twat.

Its a tough scary world out there, one that's fraught with danger, anger, and potential surprise bummings, and you need to make sure you will NEVER be a victim of unwarranted harassment. So here it is, my five tips to not look like a massive twat, follow these and your face shall never be smashed, your rectal cavity shall never be breached, and your sexual life will never be dormant. LET'S GO.

1. Tying a jumper/sweater around your shoulders

You twat, look at you, you're like a wannabe Yuppie but without the success. Its a known fact that the only people who tie jumpers around their necks are middle-class, up-their-own-arse bell-ends who have no concept of wealth and have probably never ever seen a black person in their life. Besides, if you adopt this look, its certified that you'll instantly regard the Stereophonics as 'edgy' and regard cress as the greatest sandwich filling (which we all know that it's not). Do us a favour now and sterilise yourself, because I don't have the time to destroy your offspring. Twat.

Usually teamed with; rugby shirt (collars up), boat shoes, comprehensive guide to the 'Wimbledon Tennis Tournament'.

2. Wearing braces

Oh so you're a skinhead now? No? Oh so you're a prohibition era gangster then? No? Well then you're a prick. Take those fucking braces off and invest in a belt you fucker. Why oh why would you want to look like a skinhead; to show-off and think you're hard, that's why. Skinheads haven't been hard since the 1980s, and even then they were hardly the kings of society. Nowadays skinheads have all the swagger, think they're amazing because they have a tiny shitty tattoo on their upper deltoid and pursue a life which involves sitting in parks drinking Tennants. Congratu-fucking-lations. Twat.

Usually teamed with; shitty Primark vest, dog shit coated Doc Martens, Skrewdriver cd.

3. Sporting non-prescription glasses

I've talked about this before, but its not going away and its more stupid than ever. Why oh why would you wear empty frames on your face? Why? WHY? Some people *cough*me*cough* don't wear glasses by choice, they have to because they are slowly going blind. Because I wear my glasses every minute of every day, I like to splash out on my frames. However, when I finally got my first pair of RayBan glasses, the whole 'geek' thing was taking off. I was met with such idiocies as;

"Are they from Topman?" (Are they shite)

"Are they REAL RayBans?" (Cheeky fuckers)

"I didn't know that you wore glasses." (From a friend that I'd had for 5 years, all of the time which I had spent wearing thick rimmed glasses)

If you want to wear glasses, feel free, but I'll have to detach your retinas first or plunge a fork into your eye so its legitimate. Still keen? No? Twat.

Usually teamed with; braces (noticing a pattern here?), tape, a plethora of giggling, drunk, first week of uni cunts.

4. Being a pathetic goth

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking actual goths, just the safe, attention seeking goths. Actual goths can be cool (Nick Cave) and sexy (err, Nick Cave!), but the knobheads you see parading through your nearest town centre with their mum wearing New Rocks, an Evanescence hoodie and a dog collar are just twats.

"LOOK AT ME I'M EVER SO DARK AND I LISTEN TO REALLY HEAVY MUSIC. I'M DIFFERENT." You're not, you listen to pop-rock or shit (Cradle of Filth) and will grow out of this phase in a month or so. In the meantime though, I want to punch you square in the jaw. Twat.

The look; Massive boots (diving boots will do), cheap hair dye, 'edgy' tee.

5. Loving tie-dye with a vengeance

First off, you look like you stink. Get a wash. Second of all, you are dressed like a San Fransiscan's wet-dream. Seriously, tie-dye is the least cool/most punchable fashion statement there is. The only people who've ever pulled it off were ECW's Dudley Boyz, and even then every single wrestling fan in America wanted to smash their heads in with the force of an angry mule. Its also the main reason why I've never been to Glastonbury - I'd never get to see any of the artists performing due to wading knee deep in the blood of these fake hippy morons. Twats.

Usually teamed with; sandals and socks, tiny hiking shorts, 'the aura of nature'.

So there you go, now you can walk the streets in safety, knowing full well that no-one will/I won't attack you where you stand. Superb.