Airbored

21/06/2011 – 14:35

The airport is a strange beast. Its the only place in the world where everyone is on the same page, where rules are adhered to and time waits for no man. It seems like a thousand years ago that I was last in ASDA, cursing the day evolution caused us to stand upright. Cacophonies of shuffling brainless arseholes hogging the oxygen and getting in everyone's way. Not here though. Everyone seems comfortable and at ease; behind me a small child sleeps across five chairs, whilst in front of me there is a group of teenagers eagerly awaiting their flight to become part of Camp America. I sit here decked out in a Supreme hood, Adidas three stripe track pants and my Nike AirMax 1's (or as Emma calls them, 'Netto shoes') people watching like a seasoned veteran. 99% of the people here are attractive, therefore a boring viewing spectacle. I have an hour and a half before my gate opens, my ears already exhausted from the likes of Adam and Joe talking absolute jibberish. I am bored. Think I'll go for a poo, it'll pass up at least 10 minutes.

19:45/14:45 (US)

We're flying like fucking sparrows now and my back feels like it's been punched by Asterix. Of course the bloke behind me is twitching constantly and annoying the piss out of me, but that aside the flight so far has been fairly theraputic. I demolished some alleged chicken mush and listened to Gustav Holst's 'Mars, the Bringer of War' to give rise to the occasion, and , more importantly, to make me feel like some kind of bad-ass sky captain. If I had the money I'd be doing this voyage by Zeppelin, wearing a monocle whilst doing so and brushing up on my sword fighting skills, but hey-ho this is the real world and as such I have the back of a sponge and the leg room of a school hall seat. Again, if time permits (which it shall, considering it's a near seven hour flight) I'm going to unleash another turdule and revel in the fact that I am releasing the beast at altitudes only accomplished by Superman... and the other thousands of planes which fly around the world each week.

00:30/19:30

Final preparations before landing. My legs have barely moved in seven hours and as such I'm starting to feel like a sea anenome, but with shitter hair. I've been sitting by the wing the whole flight, window seat an' all. The urge to do a Shatner and shout “There's something out there, on the wing!” is unbearable, at any moment you could look at me and see me trembling, using all my might to not launch into an unprovoked Twilight Zone reference. I don't think it'd go down well.

01:45/20:45

Landed, breezed through immigration like a hero, and am sat here waiting for my bastard case to arrive. To get me in the mood I'm listening to 'Illmatic' by Nas and getting into the New York State of Mind (if anyone dares correct me with 'Empire' then I will hunt you down and rip your face off with my teeth). The other passengers are gathered at the foot of the carousel, seemingly worshipping it like some kind of Incan God, giving praise for the gifts bestowed upon them. “A Samsonite business case! Thank you oh omnipotent one, I am not worthy.”

02:50/21:50

Sitting in the cab en-route to my hotel for the night. The driver is a cheery Indian bloke and the radio is as bombastic and crass as you'd expect, it practically borders on self-parody. The driver's accent is welcoming and made me ponder, as he sounds exactly the same as an Indian male in Britain. I expected some kind of different tonal inflection, or different slang but nothing. Its pretty cool. Also being a huge geek, I can't help but get GTAIV flashbacks from everything, a true testament to the guys at Rockstar's artistic visions and skills. When we were exiting JFK I couldn't help but think “Wow, I've massacred innocents with an M-16 there!” A tear was shed, it was a beautiful moment.

02:52/21:52

And then it dawns on you. The entirity of the Manhattan skyline in one eyeful. It is fucking massive, makes Liverpool and London combined look like a glow-worm, a dead one at that. America, your new favourite son has arrived.

Smorgasbord

Right, we all know I'm a crap blogger alright? It's not my fault that all my free time is spent fighting crime, sleeping and somehow getting chocolate on my neck, because with great power, comes great responsibility....

...so yeah, how are you and stuff? Really? Neat. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty; me what has been bought by the Hooligan for the last few months, neck chocolate aside that is.

TEES.

Above: 1 Seal tee, £15 - Lazy Oaf sale (January)

Below: 2 Popeye tee, Supreme, £35 - Dover Street Market (December)

Oh right, what a boob I am, turns out i don't have any photos of me in the other tees I blagged, and trust me there're some fucking beauts in there. But don't fret, I have a camera, and at least one friend with opposable thumbs so they'll be up soon. DON'T CRY BIRD.

So yeah, moving on...

1 How much of a beast is this please? Always got to show some love for Lazy Oaf, amazing designs on display on everything from tees to packing tape. This one was a no-brainer for me, let's run through the checklist;

* White tee? CHECK

* Fresh colouring? CHECK

* Ecstatic seal with tiny hands? CHECK

2 I don't need to tell you how hard Supreme is to get hold of. Seriously, it's a fucking joke at times, but then I'd rather it be that way than the average pleb bombing round town in a Supreme tee to match their G-Star Raw/Hollister combinations. Twats. But yeah, sourced this out way before release as I just full-on love everything about it, I mean come on, who doesn't love Popeye? The old drunk. It'll look even better when I lose my Christmas boobs though (yep, still here, damn neck chocolate...)

KICKS.

Above: 3 BAPE Roadsta88, £165 £99 - A Bathing Ape Pirate Store, London (January)

Below: 4 Nike + Stüssy, All-Court Black, £70 - The Hideout (December)

            5 Nike + Stüssy, All-Court White, £70 - The Hideout (December)

Above: 6 Nike AirMax Light, £90 - Foot Patrol (December

Below: 7 Nike AirMax 90 Infra-Red, £90 - Kixclusive (January)

The coming months are very strong in terms of sneaker releases, from the Nike Dunk Liberty and ?uestlove, to the upcoming new season in the Adidas/Star Wars range. However, before I get carried away I need to remember that I only have two feet and have to save up to go see Voodle in New York this summer (where I WILL finally snag the elusive Ueno Panda...)

3 BAPE opened up their first UK Pirate Store in Shoreditch from January 22-30th and offered rarities, factory seconds and limited quantities of fresh items at discounted prices. Naturally I was there on the sunday, met with a medium sized, but healthy queue outside the main doors, flanked by three huge guards decked in the finest Ape-wear. Inside was more of the same, with racks upon racks of goods surrounded by hype-bastards, clueless turds and general riff-raff. I copped a pair of red/gold Apesta88 (basically the Air Jordan 3 but for twice the price) discounted from £165 to £99. It was a no-brainer.

4 & 5 I previewed the Nike + Stüssy All-Courts back in October and impatiently awaited the drop. Learning my mistakes after the Nike Supreme 94 debacle I was all over tis release like a tramp on discarded chips. This time when I rang the Hideout, after exchanging pleasantries, I was hit with the million dollar question;

"Do you want to reserve a pair in white, in black, or do you want both?"

I shook, softly at first, but with each tremor my movement became more violent. Weighing up the pros and cons in my mind (Cons: Would barely afford to live for a month, christmas would be a struggle. Pros: I'd look hella bad-ass) I took the plunge and opted for both. Lucky I did though, as they sold out in a day, and considering that the Hideout was the only stockist of the kicks in the UK I was a very lucky boy indeed. I'll say this though, I didn't eat properly for the following weeks, but by God are my shoes beautiful.

6 Following on from my first AirMax gamble in August, I felt the time was right to get more. Well, that's a lie, I just happened to be in Foot Patrol with a fresh paycheck burning a hole in my pocket and had to buy them, mainly to fill the Infra-Red sized hole in my life...

7 ...which I plugged not long after. I wanted the Infra-Reds upon release back in August, but couldn't afford them due to moving down south, so when I finally got some pennies rolling I hunted the internet for a pair. As usual though, the only sizes available were in the region of size 5 (buy nice shoes you tiny footed pricks or I'll cut off your limbs). Luckily, New York dealer Kixclusive got some in to their web store, and the price, including postage, worked out roughly the same. Like all AirMax they're very comfy and seem to go with anything, despite the unorthodox colouring. Emma can't stand them though, but screw it, they're comfy and swish, and came in a stupidly fast amount of time.

So yeah, that's what I've been up-to for the last few months, aside from lucha-libre, Fanric, tee jaunts and music video making, but they're stories for another time....

...oh go on then. Here's a music video I made with my boys at Fungunt Productions for the Eurythmics' synth classic 'There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)'. Enjoy, and if you genuinely DO enjoy, then please let me, or the boys know through the above links *looks up two lines*

The Empire Strikes Back...

The difficult second album, the 'long awaited sequel', 'Breakin' II: Electric Boogaloo'. All tags associated with the age old adage of following a surefire hit. There are examples of success ('Led Zeppelin II'), failure ('Escape from LA') and the golden goose; the superior creation ('Godfather II'). Where this comes into context in the fashion world is with regards to the Adidas Originals Star Wars line, a line which not only proved that the German sneaker powerhouse CAN create a good collaboration, but also proved financially and commercially successful t'boot. So now we are presented with an Autumn/Winter Star Wars range, but can it capture the magic of the original?

THE GOOD:

Death Star Letterman Jacket

Bang on trend with the current 'prep-hop' look that's being sought after by every man and his dog. My only gripe is patchwork overload - the TIE Fighters down the right arm are unnecessary, same for the red text below the right breast and the Adidas Star Wars logo on the left arm. The massive back print is superb, and the geekiest thing this side of a 'Dune' convention. Spot on.

Star Wars Adi Dassler Tee

I fucking love this item, it's superb. If you know me personally then you know that I have a permanent hard-on for white tees and off-centre prints (in this case, off center vertically speaking). This garment teams up Darth Vader; Dark Lord of Sith, Adi Dassler; Co-founder of Adidas, and C3PO; gold plated arrogant robo-twat, and the three are presiding over a very old-skool football boot. The item is finished off with a slogan above the left breast, and the Adidas Star Wars logo just below the neck.

Star Wars Top Ten 'Droids'

First spotted on Jay Baruchel's feet in the amazing TV advert in the summer, this design combines the colourways of the saga's foremost robots - the afore mentioned C3PO, and robotic bin-bad-ass R2D2. Now on paper, a shoe which is half gold/half white should be horrendous, but I personally adore them. Finished off with lace-covers saying 'DROIDS' and presented in blister-pack boxing these are definite must-haves.

THE BAD:

Star Wars Nizza 'Good'

Not a fan of these. Very cheap looking and would expect them to blow-up the second you laced them up. Heel has a 'Wookiees' logo that looks like little more than a transfer tattoo. The kids versions are very cute though. Buy for your offspring!

Boba Fett Track Top

Now this disappointed me. Boba Fett, the coolest anonymous bastard in the entire franchise, immortalised in a drab, overcrowded jacket. Although the colourway is clearly based upon the character's battle armour, it comes across like a hospital constructed in the late 1980s, or a mint-choc-chip ice-cream eaten on a cloudy day. Its also got far too many pockets. FAR TOO MANY.

THE BIZARRE:

Boba Fett Backpack

Have you ever seen a more gloriously bizarre/unnecessary commercial release backpack in all your days? Based on Boba Fett's helmet (although its more like a Clone Trooper THERE ARE ONLY THREE FILMS) this is a weird, although nicely designed/constructed accessory. I'd have killed for one of these as a kid.

A while back I wrote an article for 'CYNIC Magazine' highlighting the inaugural collection, and one thing ringed throughout - what is the purpose of this collaboration? What links German sportswear with intergalactic civil war? The answer is nothing. Nothing links the two, but frankly I don't care. This collaboration combines two things that I love - Star Wars, and clothing. The Autumn/Winter collection is disappointing compared to the initial collection, but still has some items that would be welcomed into any self-respecting wardrobe. So in essence, this season's offerings are more 'Return of the Jedi' than 'The Empire Strikes Back' - very good, but gimmicky and not as memorable as the original.

Air Jordan XXV

Nike, what the fuck were you thinking?

Once again Nike have decided to treat us. That's right boys and girls, the new 25th Anniversary Air Jordan's are here, and by God are they shit.

Sneaker afficionados were eagerly anticipting the newest addition to the legendary series, despite the fact that the majority of designs for the last decade have been awful - but nonetheless this time would be different. This time we'd get something to rival the almost mythical genius of the original red and black slices of cobbling triumph. This time we'd get something that both kick-addicts and ballers alike would be proud to display on their gams.

How wrong everyone was.

The time came and Nike once again wheeled out Michael Jordan, their immortal 6'6” golden goose, and an accompanying Dwyane Wade (the poor bastard is endorsing these shoes). However instead of a golden egg they presented us with a massive turd. Even as he stood there beaming, imagining the millions casually dropping into his bank account, Jordan looked like he wasn't totally convinced – he knew it was a damp squib.

So why such anger? One word; windows. When was the last time you saw a pair of kicks with a see through section that worked? That's right – never. As a design concept its almost futuristic, and hey, if women's shoes can get away with showing a bit of foot then why can't men's? Because women don't wear socks with high heels now do they. Socks by definition are as sexy as a bulldog eating chips out of a grid. Now take your average sock-covered foot add some sweat, heat and an easily fogged-up sheet of cheap plastic and what have you got? The least sexy thing imaginable, worse than Chris Evans getting frisky with a mountain goat.

So sort it out Nike, but hey, at least they're not as bad as the Adidas Kobe II's - not even therapy can cure that shit.