Halloweiners

Yeah yeah yeah so it's Halloween this weekend and you're probably really excited to express your annual love for all things 'satanic', horrible and costume related. Well good on you, nothing better than taking up any excuse for a party and letting your hair down, even though the cynical Brit in you might be seething at the American-ness of it (no offence Yank-pals, we just don't really get it). But the one thing I hate about Halloween (aside from horrible little scally children harassing you for sugar) is the unoriginality in the costumes that get spewed up, and I hate it to say it, but I'm primarily looking at the females in the audience.

Now from my experience this is how it goes with regards to 'fancy dress';

Girls: Lets have a fancy dress party! It'll be AMAZING.

Guys: Urgh, why? Too much effort.

Girls: Shut up, it'll be well good and it'll be fun!

Guys: Oh alright then, I suppose it'll be alright.

Girls - All dressed as cats and 'slutty' variations of everyday things. However there is usually one token amazing suit (Street Fighter's Chun-Li for example, or an everyday household lamp).

Guys - A plethora of home-made homages to pop-culture and Horror culture, even though the males weren't thrilled about dressing up in the first place. Plus the obligatory bell-end wearing a cheap mask and his everyday clothes.

You can argue all you want, but you know it to be true. This happens every sodding year! Lets fight back and re-take Halloween, WHO'S WITH ME?

5 Punchable Halloween Costume Ideas:

The Fallen fucking Angel

We get it, you want to be sexy yet evil, but you just look like a drag queen with no imagination. All the girls at the party think you look cheap, all the guys think you look easy, and you'll get hyperthermia before midnight. It doesn't matter how 'good' you look, take the piss out of yourself a little and you'll be a surefire hit!

The 'Pop-Culture Icon of the Moment' Costume

I'm looking at you brethren now you un-original bastards. Every year you can just tell which costume will be the 'hit of the year' and sure enough come Halloween there are a thousand fuckers dressed as it. Jack Sparrow, the Joker, the Crow, you know the offenders. Apparently this year's hit is set to be Lady Gaga's meat dress. Super fucking duper. Look back at the photos in 10 years time and laugh at how obscure your costume has became.

Ghostface Killah

A previous entrant into the 'pop-culture icon of the year' category, Ghostface has became an entity of its own, offering an easy costume idea to the laziest fuckers imaginable. Perhaps they're all being ironic and post-modern, echoing Wes Craven's point that slasher icons are more remembered than their films and that the genre has become hokey and stale. Either that or they're just a gimp. Tough choice.

Cat Stevens

Read my comments for the 'fallen angel' costume, but add this; WHAT THE FUCK IS SCARY ABOUT A CAT? For fuck's sake...

The obligatory 'tracksuit + cheap halloween mask' combo

Mainly sported by scary pre-pubescent little shits who are prowling the streets looking for blood, the addition of a cheap Poundland plastic mask to a tracksuit just isn't in the spirit of things, even though in the right circumstances (ie; getting chased through a forest, getting accosted in an alleyway) it can be pant shittingly terrifying.

5 Genius Halloween Costume Ideas:

The 'Pop Culture Group' Entry

Why stay current and predictable? Go back into the annuls of you childhood and whip out a blast from the past that'll make everyone go "Oh yeah! I loved that as a kid!" Think of the A-Team, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Power Rangers and you're in the right area.

The 'Pure-Effort Homemade' Entry

It's only once a year, why not go all-out? You could either spend hundreds on an officially licensed costume, or make it yourself Neil Buchanan style and be the toast of the party and the subject of conversations for years to come.

An Inanimate Object

For some reason there is something hysterical about someone dressed as an inanimate object. Mainly its trying to decipher the thought process that lead to the costume's inception, but partially its the fact that although the wearer looks like an idiot, they're having the time of their lives.

Something Legitimately Terrifying

There's nothing wrong with dressing as something non-horror related as long as it's cool, but after all it is Halloween might as well try and scare the absolute shite out of everything possible. See above, my boy Josh dressed as Ronald McDonald at a business meeting. He spent the entire evening staring people out and hiding in dark corners waiting to give someone a cardiac. Freaky.

The 'Obscure WTF Were You Thinking?' Entry

Imagine the scene; you've just arrived at a Halloween house party and are wading through the throngs of vampires, cats and Freddy Krugers when across the kitchen you see Pat Sharpe. It's glorious isn't it? As with the inanimate object idea, the fun comes in both the stupidity and inspired genius involved. Bravo to you.

So there you are, stick to these rules and you'll be the talk of the party and treated like the hero that you are. Oh and stay in character, it'll add to your costume dramatically. As for me? Well I'm not too fond of Halloween as it is, but I've got the be up early the day after so chances are an evening watching 'Evil Dead' is on the cards. Groovy.

Movember Rain

The moustache is the greatest evolutionary step, greater than the thumb, greater than cognitive thought, greater than walking upright, it is quite simply the Mack-daddy of genetics. For some reason though, the mighty 'stache has fallen foul of society, and its only a rare hero that rocks the lip fuzz. Next month however is Movember, and it is every male's duty to 'stache up for testicular cancer awareness. Just think about it, you could be regarded alongside the heroes in the 'Moustache Hall of Fame', such names as...

Tom Selleck, the true legend of the lip pubes. Imagine a world without Magnum P.I; it's horrible isn't it. Now imagine YOU are Magnum P.I; it's fantastic isn't it! This moustache made 'Three Men and a Baby' and to a lesser extent 'Three Men and a Little Lady' (that is it made the films great, not as in 'created three actual men and a baby', although I bet it could if it wanted.) But as for Selleck himself, every woman on the planet at some point in their life has lusted after his immense being, twenty quid says his animal magnetic power lies right below his nose...

John Oates. Look at his face. LOOK AT IT. Do you think he'd be a millionaire if he was clean shaven? Get out of town and never return. The reason Hall and Oates were so good is because of Oates' furious filtrum growth. Allegedly Daryl Hall also grew a 'tache, but the combined power of their two face-statements were too much for any television, music player or human to handle and as such legislation was put into place decreeing that only one of them could rock the fuzz. Legendary.

Brad Pitt recently rocked the 'tache for two reasons;

1) No-one would take a Nazi arse-kicker seriously without rugged facial foliage.

2) Because he knew that he looked damn cool in the process.

Like Tom Selleck before him, there's nay a woman on the planet who doesn't want to be pinned down by the Pitt and treated like filth, Angelina Jolie included. Its a Hollywood secret that Angelina only shacked up with Bradley due to a promise he made to her regarding his growth of a moustache. Truth be told.

Jake 'the Snake' Roberts - legendary wrestler, animal lover and rugged pubic hero. When he wasn't DDTing people in the ring, you can bet that Jake was getting all sorts of women due to his immense handlebar. Just take a moment to soak it in, you can almost hear it blowing in the wind, and it sounds like every Led Zeppelin song played at once. Ferocious.

Seriously though, man-up and 'tache-up for Movember, it's for a good cause and makes you a true man, like the men of yore. In a nutshell, a moustache gives you licence to woo, fight and party like a genuine God. I'm already 'stached up, are you?

5 Fashion statements that make you a Twat.

Its a tough scary world out there, one that's fraught with danger, anger, and potential surprise bummings, and you need to make sure you will NEVER be a victim of unwarranted harassment. So here it is, my five tips to not look like a massive twat, follow these and your face shall never be smashed, your rectal cavity shall never be breached, and your sexual life will never be dormant. LET'S GO.

1. Tying a jumper/sweater around your shoulders

You twat, look at you, you're like a wannabe Yuppie but without the success. Its a known fact that the only people who tie jumpers around their necks are middle-class, up-their-own-arse bell-ends who have no concept of wealth and have probably never ever seen a black person in their life. Besides, if you adopt this look, its certified that you'll instantly regard the Stereophonics as 'edgy' and regard cress as the greatest sandwich filling (which we all know that it's not). Do us a favour now and sterilise yourself, because I don't have the time to destroy your offspring. Twat.

Usually teamed with; rugby shirt (collars up), boat shoes, comprehensive guide to the 'Wimbledon Tennis Tournament'.

2. Wearing braces

Oh so you're a skinhead now? No? Oh so you're a prohibition era gangster then? No? Well then you're a prick. Take those fucking braces off and invest in a belt you fucker. Why oh why would you want to look like a skinhead; to show-off and think you're hard, that's why. Skinheads haven't been hard since the 1980s, and even then they were hardly the kings of society. Nowadays skinheads have all the swagger, think they're amazing because they have a tiny shitty tattoo on their upper deltoid and pursue a life which involves sitting in parks drinking Tennants. Congratu-fucking-lations. Twat.

Usually teamed with; shitty Primark vest, dog shit coated Doc Martens, Skrewdriver cd.

3. Sporting non-prescription glasses

I've talked about this before, but its not going away and its more stupid than ever. Why oh why would you wear empty frames on your face? Why? WHY? Some people *cough*me*cough* don't wear glasses by choice, they have to because they are slowly going blind. Because I wear my glasses every minute of every day, I like to splash out on my frames. However, when I finally got my first pair of RayBan glasses, the whole 'geek' thing was taking off. I was met with such idiocies as;

"Are they from Topman?" (Are they shite)

"Are they REAL RayBans?" (Cheeky fuckers)

"I didn't know that you wore glasses." (From a friend that I'd had for 5 years, all of the time which I had spent wearing thick rimmed glasses)

If you want to wear glasses, feel free, but I'll have to detach your retinas first or plunge a fork into your eye so its legitimate. Still keen? No? Twat.

Usually teamed with; braces (noticing a pattern here?), tape, a plethora of giggling, drunk, first week of uni cunts.

4. Being a pathetic goth

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking actual goths, just the safe, attention seeking goths. Actual goths can be cool (Nick Cave) and sexy (err, Nick Cave!), but the knobheads you see parading through your nearest town centre with their mum wearing New Rocks, an Evanescence hoodie and a dog collar are just twats.

"LOOK AT ME I'M EVER SO DARK AND I LISTEN TO REALLY HEAVY MUSIC. I'M DIFFERENT." You're not, you listen to pop-rock or shit (Cradle of Filth) and will grow out of this phase in a month or so. In the meantime though, I want to punch you square in the jaw. Twat.

The look; Massive boots (diving boots will do), cheap hair dye, 'edgy' tee.

5. Loving tie-dye with a vengeance

First off, you look like you stink. Get a wash. Second of all, you are dressed like a San Fransiscan's wet-dream. Seriously, tie-dye is the least cool/most punchable fashion statement there is. The only people who've ever pulled it off were ECW's Dudley Boyz, and even then every single wrestling fan in America wanted to smash their heads in with the force of an angry mule. Its also the main reason why I've never been to Glastonbury - I'd never get to see any of the artists performing due to wading knee deep in the blood of these fake hippy morons. Twats.

Usually teamed with; sandals and socks, tiny hiking shorts, 'the aura of nature'.

So there you go, now you can walk the streets in safety, knowing full well that no-one will/I won't attack you where you stand. Superb.

Rise Above

How do you define Henry Rollins? Hardcore legend? Actor? Poet? Activist? Ventriloquist? Well apart from the latter all are applicable. The man has constantly been in the public eye since the early 1980s, although just out of sight, quietly hating the world around him. Yet it seems age has mellowed Rollins, no longer as averse to fighting his fans on stage but rather relying on his dry wit to throw shit at the events that shape his everyday life.

BLHB caught up with Rollins just before the start of his latest spoken word tour, but with that going from strength-to-strength, have we seen the last of Henry Rollins, the musician? Rollins was abjectly blunt on the matter “Well I am not feeling any music at this time. I can only do what is really compelling me to do so. I wouldn’t want to go out and do music if I wasn’t 110% into it. I am just not interested in going out and doing the same old thing again. Life is too short for that. Too many people in music stick around too long.”

With several influential bands under his belt and a ‘re-emergence’ as a spoken word artist, Henry Rollins has been commenting on the shape and decay of America and the World as a whole for close to 30 years now, and it seems that a busy schedule and a tendency to push himself to the edge won’t stop him now. “Lets see, I put out two books last year, wrapped out of ‘The Sons of Anarchy’ show a couple of weeks ago and now I am leaving to travel all over until about the first show of next year. It will be a real test.” Rollins spoken word tours have now became the main focus of a career which also includes stints of acting and even chat show hosting “It’s just work I take between tours. I did television all last year, it was great but it was a job I took because I still work for a living. I had a good time but I am not really an actor. I thought I hung in there pretty well, though.”

So what’s the agenda for Rollins’ latest tour, the aptly titled ‘Frequent Flyer tour’? “I will just be talking about all the places I have been and the things I have done since I was last here, that will keep me busy onstage for quite some time.” The latest tour also brings Rollins a change of focus in the form of one Barack Obama and, more importantly, whether white America has woken up “There are some people in America who are acting very stupidly since they found out they have a black president. It’s been a very ugly and frustrating time for me in America for the last several months.” During his last shows in Britain Rollins stated he couldn’t fathom the general American public anymore, before Obama’s inauguration there was an air of hope and change, now this has been replaced with impatientness and old skool fear-mongering. Musicians world-wide have been seemingly eager to praise their new president through song, but is it falling on deaf ears? “Hard to say. I don’t really think what happens in the music world affects politics in any meaningful way. If it did, Marley and Dylan’s music would have stopped all wars. The President doesn’t always do things that I agree with. Afghanistan for instance, what a nightmare and we keep walking deeper into it.”

With his spoken word commitments taking over his life Rollins rectifies his dislike for reunions and, it seems, the music distribution model as a whole. “I would never do music for the money. Black Flag is not mine to re-form anyway and again, doing old stuff, I don’t want to at this point. It’s not all that brave in my opinion. I would rather fail elsewhere.” A Black Flag reunion would indeed be very welcome, despite his protests as hardcore punk as such has seen a revival in the past few years. It would be forgivable in marketing Black Flag like a consumerist powerhouse, similar to Glen Danzig’s Misfits business-model (Misfits wall clock anyone?) “That’s the way of all things that stick around for awhile, they become marketable as society makes room and then the thing that had teeth and terrified the Middle-West now purrs on the couch. It’s what happens to almost anything in a consumer culture.”

You can’t deny it though, even if music is behind him, Henry Rollins continues to provoke reactions, and it couldn’t suit him more, even if his work-load is somewhat heavy even for him. “My workload? Its eating. Me. Alive.”      

Odds, Sods, Inanimate Carbon Rods

Continuing with the current autumn/winter releases, we look at the best of the rest (mainly because I don't want to sound like a broken record and I'd hate to be as derivative as Trivium).

BAPE

BAPE have decided they're all about camouflage this season, with tees, hoods, shoes, caps and even long johns being released in the style. The long johns in particular are amazing, and very reminiscent of Snake Plissken and hey, if you can wear something that makes you feel like Kurt Russell, then by God you must wear it.. As expected, the items aren't cheap, with the Plissken-pants retailing for £110.

As well as the camo items, the BAPE Native styles are back in play. Personally not a fan, but needless to say they're still going to be swallowed up. Native is affecting hoods and gilets.

Shoe wise there are no outlandish BAPESta or Roadsta releases this season, with the company opting for more understated releases. The pick of the bunch is the Crapes, released in black, sax, grey and green suede colourways. They can be yours for £160.


Available now at BAPE London or from the European website.

OBEY

OBEY have had a belter of a year what with revamping their website, Shepard Fairey slowly becoming a household name and Andre the Giant still being dead... ok so maybe the latter is no cause for celebration, but you see what I mean.

OBEY are sticking with their tried and true products - visually absorbing tees. OBEY don't disappoint here, releasing familiar prints in the form of Andre and the OBEY logo in the KISS style. The pick of the bunch however come in the form of the 'Fight For Earth' organic tee (left) and the 'Power' 10th anniversary tee.

Away from tees, OBEY have gone for a more understated, almost industrial look for their accessories this season. The caps are slightly disappointing - Supreme-esque rehashes and bland trucker caps, but the Fedoras and such are strong as usual. The full-on wintery items (gloves, scarves) are also stripped back, but look sturdy and well crafted.

Available now from OBEY clothing and your nearest stockist.

  

Manwich

Yeah that's right, Man Tips, because the fact that you have a penis, doesn't make you a man. But guess what, I do have a penis (allegedly) and I AM a man (allegedly) and I am taking it as my duty to teach YOU how to stride through life like the courageous battle hero that you are.

TIP #1 - MAN FOOD

Real men eat real food. Do you think that Patrick Swayze became 'Roadhouse' because he spent his days eating tofu? Of course he didn't. He got it, because of the sandwich Manwich, the fifth element and the purest form of artistic expression known in the universe.

So now you're sitting there thinking "God-damn I'm hungry, fucking beautiful women and watching kung-fu all day has given me an insatiable yearn for foodstuffs", I know this because I can see you, sitting in your chair like it was an exuberant throne of excellence. Stand up son, its time to make you a man.

Before you can even attempt to think about making your manwich, you need to dress the part. Everyone knows that there are two constants in life; crime and power, and nothing sums up these themes better than pimps and gangsters. Lets combine the two and prepare for war.

Feels good doesn't it. The fedora makes you look like James Caan, the coat makes you feel like Rick James. On the inside you are merely organs, but on the outside you are Rick Caan, or James James. Studly.

Now that you are dressed to impress, get your perfectly formed glutes down to your kitchen and get your ingredients soldier.

And there they are - white bread, fresh chicken, butter, barbecue sauce and crisps. No salad though, Bugs Bunny ate salad and you know what happened to him? That's right, Elmur Fudd shot him in the neck, dressed him up as Girl Bunny and skullfucked him.

So now you've hunted and gathered your ingredients, you need something to cook that fowl carcass on...

You don't want to be fannying around with ovens and hobs, you want to cook on something developed by an expert in punching people square in the face. Step-up George Foreman grill, its time for action.

You open him up and you're met with this, what do you do? The answer - nothing. Some may call this grease, some may call it disgusting, but it is merely nothing more than the victorious juice of your last culinary conquest. This is your grill's badge of honour, and he is going to wear it with pride.

While you're waiting for George to warm-up you should apply a vigorous amount of butter to your bread, because real men, like the boy scouts they grew from, are always prepared. Now butter the bread as if you were caressing a lady, or carefully whittling a piece of fine oak, after all, this bread is the armour to your manwich's chickeny core.

The grill is heated up nice like a recently used flamethrower, time to lay your poultry companion upon the strips of heated glory, for about 15 minutes at least.

While you are waiting for him to be cooked until perfect, you may wish to engage in other manly activities;

Activities such as writing swear words on the fridge...

Watching internet videos of bears fighting with certified heroes...

Flicking coins across your knuckles like a riverboat gambler...

Or drawing pictures of Batman, all are worthwhile pursuits for any budding man.

After fifteen minutes he's ready. Look at him, all crispy, golden and noble, like George Hamilton. Before you go eating this fine product of evolution, you need to check if he is pink in the middle because if he is, you want to burn his bitch-ass a little longer.

Is he pink? Is he fuck. He's raring to go, begging you to tuck into his delicious flesh like your fore-fathers and wolves have done for the last 48 million years.

Its time, time to carve that sucker and introduce him to his new best buddy in the entire world - Captain bread.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Damn, I could just stick my dick into the middle of this and be gone for the night", but don't as this would not only burn your best friend, but would also render the manwich inedible and a negotiable failure. Resist the urge apprentice, it'll be worth it.

Time to sauce it up. You wouldn't leave the house for a hot date without musking up would you? Of course not, as musk = guaranteed sex, and possibly a car and some kind of sporting victory. Sauce is a manwich's musk, and vital to maximise enjoyment. Our sauce of choice? Barbecue, because not only does it taste outstanding, but its main ingredients are metal and fire. Damn its masculine.

After the sauce comes the bed of crisps. Now most people will say it doesn't matter what flavour crisps you add, and those people are wrong. You need a pack of ready salted to back up your manwich, to add texture and noise, whilst not distracting you from the taste. By all means do not, I repeat DO NOT use chicken crisps, that's just a step too far.

He's finished, and by God is he handsome. Now I know what you're thinking, you want to cut him into tiny pieces don't you. Resist the urge, you've already proven your manliness by concocting this collaboration of awesomeness, you don't need to prove anything. Besides, disecting this rude-boy would suggest that you aren't man enough to eat it in one sitting, and we all know that's a lie.

So now my son, you must eat. How does it taste?

It tastes like the ending to 'Rocky III' - hard earned masculine triumph. Welcome my child, into the world of the Y chromosome, a world of fine women, legendary battles and victory over nature.